just waiting...

Yesterday was one of our now weekly OB appointments… Jaime is doing great. BP great, weight awesome and now that Jackson has stopped craving Kit Kat Bars, she is actually down two pounds. We laughed about that. The doctor’s best guess says that our little man is about 6 to 6 ½ pounds right now and still baking. Next week we will do a check to see if Jaime is dilating… no news is good news right now. The month seems like it is moving warp speed to me. I know it is because we are so excited. Even Jake said to me today: “I am so excited for Jackson to get here!” I feel like I have prayed, waited, planned, prepared, and waited some more and prayed some more and now it is almost tangible. Can’t wait to see what the next week brings… Jaime said this weekend is a possibility because Jeff will be in FL hunting and I will be at the Hannes farm… with both parents taking the last mini-break before the baby comes home… she is thinking it is likely. Mom says no way, not until the end of the month… We just have to wait and see.

Bowling & Baby Reflection

Things are getting warmer for sure. I had the great opportunity to see Jaime tonight and she , simply put, looks amazing. Pregnancy has never agreed more with a person. What people say – about pregnant women glowing – its so true, but even more so in Jaime’s case. She looks like a million bucks! Her skin is clear and she looks so happy, so mature, and at peace. Maybe that is it, peaceful and filled with joy. Of course, her abdomen is rather large and she is guessing Jackson at about five pounds as of today… a little while left to go to get some more chunky on that monkey! Jaime is complaining of lower leg and feet and ankle swelling now and it is a bit on the puffy side, but her blood pressure and weight remain great and she has done a great job with this pregnancy, and way better than I could’ve done it that is for sure.

I am so excited, nervous, and elated about little Jackson coming home with us. I don’t think I could be more prepared: the nursery is done, the co-sleeper assembled, the car seat ready to go into the car. Its all ready… and yet I am getting nervous. Probably like all new parents, but I am not new at this. I have raised two awesome, responsible, loving, productive children and this is my bonus round. I was younger the first go-round for sure, but with youth came the facts that there wasn’t a lot of money and hardly ever time to spend… Jeff was always working, trying to get ahead. We couldn’t take the time to sit back and enjoy it very often because we were so busy with the business of surviving. I did have more energy back then, though. I could run and play for hours… likely not able to do that anymore without some extra sleep! Laughing… I know I am not “too old,” as there are many women who are just starting out at my age – and even much older! But, I am on the closer side to forty than thirty and that leaves me a little nervous. I would’ve never guessed ten years ago that I would be having another baby around forty. I hope I can keep up and do everything I need to and want to!

I am blessed to have the opportunity and without my awesome surro-angel and sister I wouldn’t be getting another chance like this. I am so lucky and fortunate to have such an amazing person in my life that would offer to bring such a gift into our lives. Jaime is a blessing to us and she is so appreciated.

On a lighter note, posted is a photo from last night’s date night with Jeff, Jake and his new girlfriend, Michelle. We went to dinner, bowling, ice cream, then home for some Wii competition at bowling and golf. We had a great time and we love spending time with Jake. He is so awesome and anyone who has had the opportunity to get to know him as an adult will agree. There is something special about him, resilient, and we are so proud. Signing off for some relaxation and movies with my better half!

New Year's Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions? Who keeps those things anyway? Aren’t they marked by good intentions and always end in failure, feeding to the continued obsessions of most people that their self worth is based on external forces? Not for me, thanks. I mean tradition warrants that we must at least consider some things to add to our list of personal make-over’s: weight loss, improved health, increased journaling, more photos, stop smoking, quit drinking, renewed energies spend at long overdue life requirements. I have definitely given some thought in this direction… but, what I have decided to do is let go... not a resolution, but more of a commitment to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and I am always searching for the wisdom to know the difference.

First things first… forgiveness. I have to forgive myself for not being the perfect self I always had the striving to be. I am not perfect, I will likely never be perfect, and accepting that can only bring me increased happiness. In forgiving myself I have to look to others as well… and let go of old arguments and dreams of improved relationships. Some things are out of my control and cannot be made better, regardless of how hard I try… so, I ceremoniously let them go into the great oblivion of my heart…. Of course I am not the same person today that I was three years ago or even one year ago. I am simply me and the best me I can be. So, I forgive myself for the things I did that caused pain to others… my tongue is definitely sharper than it used to be years ago… But, I no longer need or desire the forgiveness of those who were in the wake of my volatile emotions. I have said my apologies, sought the forgiveness directly, and attempted amends as best I could. Those who refuse to participate in forgiveness or acceptance, it simply remains on them. I am moving forward and making the best of the new me… After all, I cannot change the past and I cannot make someone have kindness, forgiveness, understanding, and love… I can just offer those things to those who seek it from me, including myself.

The next on my list of life… completion. Oh my, how my life has been marked by the best of intentions to complete a task or project. I have of course, completed many projects, but it does seem that this is a daunting task at times. For instance, my dedicated process at degree completion… started years ago, I do keep plodding away at trying to improve myself through the education system and process. I am only a few classes away from the next milestone and yet, with each class I start I am motivated at the beginning and then find that I want to falter and quit half way through. Staying motivated seems a challenge. But a goal is to finish that next step in the process during 2009, regardless of a new baby, a son in college, a husband that lives out of state eighty percent of the time. I will get it done. (That is my personal pep talk).

Which brings me to motivation. Where can I find a good healthy supply of motivation to keep me on the treadmill, away from the second helping of potatoes (gosh, I mean I love potatoes… all food really, but potatoes most), and working toward that goal of lowering my blood pressure, decreasing my resting pulse, improving all my lab result numbers, and feeling better and more energetic about life. Grief has a way of zapping the best out of life and even when the normalcy seems to reoccur, that energy level is still never the same… the intensity is gone. And with that lack of motivation, lack of energy, and lack of self worth due to grief, comes the inevitable increase in the scale. So, not saying that my New Year’s resolve is to “lose weight,” but more get back to where I started from, a la Sgt. Pepper. Two and half years ago I had my daughter in my arms and less poundage on the scale… What I really want is my daughter back and since I am acutely aware that will not be happening regardless of how hard I wish, pray, or beg… it would be good for my well being to get rid of the grief weight attributed to comfort foods of homemade mac and cheese and potato casseroles. Dropping those thirty pounds of grief eating would be the best thing for my physical health I could do this year… just don’t know the exact mechanism. I am sure it will include that treadmill, some increased oatmeal breakfasts, and chasing a little one around as the year progresses and my anticipated baby goes from infancy to toddler over the first year of his life… Between that and breastfeeding, shouldn’t I be back to where I started from, maybe even healthier? I pray I can stay motivated to get me through it!

Last listed, but certainly not the least of these, is the goal of intention. I intend so many things and of course the road to you-know-where is always paved with good intentions. So, my goal isn’t for the thing or just one change, it is more that if it enters the personal list of “I intend to do this…” then, I will get it done. Like the blog, like my journaling, my care of the house, caring for dad, caring for my husband and my sons, my daughter’s grave… there is much to be intended, but my goal is to remain focused on the outcome so that what I intend to be, becomes.
Now, with all that said… Happy New Year to you and yours as we await the birth of our baby boy and prepare to send our oldest son back to college for another successful semester; as we pray for Jeff to get reassigned to Houston and for those in our family to have the love and foresight to recognize who we are and where we are in our journey through life. Letting go and moving forward, that is the destination of my life this year. May 2009 bring your family health, peace, happiness, and profound joys on their journey… with love.