2 more days until _______

two more days until i have to start my lupron and zithromax... the z-pack i am cool with, but after seeing jaime's reaction - and knowing how hormonal my baseline is - i am in for trouble. i am so worried that i will feel out of control and anxious. like i need more anxiety? heaven knows i don't need more anxiety, i have just spent the last 18+ months trying to eliminate the anxiety i have experienced since jacque died. i miss her so much and this baby journey wouldn't be complete without talking about our jacque. she is still such a large part of our lives... our visits to her place, memories of her laugh and smile, the love she gave to everyone, the joy, and so on and so on.... i know she would be so excited for us, she would be part of the whole thing if she were here and since she is an angel now - we know she is an important part of this process now. jaime and i have talked about this so much... and i feel her, i feel her spirit here, smiling and laughing at the hormones and walking with us on this path to bringing another gift from heaven to our home, our lives, our hearts. we have been given many miracles in this life - miracles we have a hard time really seeing at times, but that are there. i am so emotional as it is on the birth control pills. robyn has been reminding me that the weight gain, the acne, the mood swings - they will all be worth it. jaime totally gets the longer hormonal journey out this and for that i am eternally grateful. i am completely emotional tonight - jake and jaime in san antonio doing some bonding. i have always been so very blessed for the relationship i have had with jaime and the relationship she has had with my kids. they have always been so close: secrets, commonalities, similar tastes in music and activities, open and detailed conversations about life and whatever. jacque and jake have been lucky to have her, as well as jeff and i for her presence in our lives. she has brought innumerable joys in so many ways. ok, anyway... everything seems more dramatic when i am on hormones. today i sent the paperwork into the sperm bank to open my account... i didn't even realize you had to open an account. but, you have to open an account, if you want to make a withdrawal of "funds." LOL! our inexpensive insurance/back up is well under way!