April 21, 2008

April 21, 2008
Kellie’s surprise party a total success. She was so happy and excited – the tears of joy were streaming. It was only successful because of her great friends. They really came together to bring food, alcohol, DJ, bartender… and Sandy’s house – a true model home, the backyard amazing. What a generous friend to open her home up to our sister and our entire family to celebrate Kellie’s 40th. Our weekend was filled with happy times and we are so blessed to be together as siblings. The last time we were all together was for Jacque’s funeral in July 2006 and the time before that was Thanksgiving 2005. What a miracle and a memory for Kellie to know how her family loves her and we were all able to come together to celebrate her birth and her existence in this world. She is truly a gift.
What was even more amazing was the day after when all the siblings got together outside the party at Josh’s house. We totally enjoyed our time together. We catered lunch and laughed a lot. Then, of course the inevitable happened… the topic got around to Jacque. Of course, what happened was we started talking about Russ (also inevitable) and that brought s to the events around the funeral. What scared me at first was the feeling of flooding emotions, what kept me under some semblance of control was seeing the faces of three of my beautiful sisters also crying and mirroring my pain. I so feel for each of them, recalling the times around the funeral: each of us in our own personal turmoil, yet together and slightly departed from a sense of reality. I wish I could give Kellie what I know she wants most of all – Russ back into the family , fully accepted and again loved for who he is and being the love of her life. I really wish I could and yet I know that she may now have an understanding of why I can’t do that right now.
Isn’t it overwhelming when you stop to think that one tiny decision – such as Jacque’s chosen route home that day from Mom and Dad’s, or the choices we make when we participate in known self-destructive behavior, or the choice to forgive – can absolutely change the lives of so many people, it become unfathomable, that domino effect of life. Oh, how my life has changed over the last two years. In so many ways, I will never be the same person… sometimes better, sometimes worse. How did I get here again, what choices did I make that influenced where we all are today.
So, back to Jacque. Having all the sisters together (ok, and the brothers, too) and watching the kids play, it reinforced again how much I really miss her. Not that every breath I take doesn’t remind me, but having the entire family together makes me feel that missing link. She will always be my cherished missing link.
Jaime started that Estradiol/Estrace this weekend, today she bumped to 4mg twice a day. WOW! Tears, they are flowing like Niagara Falls. What a hoot! We laugh, we cry. It is so much different than other family get-togethers, as we never had this many tears. I mean, last night I was sitting there chatting with Kellie and Jaime and I started to cry. I can’t even remember what we were talking about and I had to cry. Sobbing with laughter really. Cause I started laughing because I was crying. Who laughs at themselves just for crying? Only a hormonal woman! Maybe Kellie or Jaime can remember what the heck I was crying about!
So, sitting on this flight thinking about what is coming up this week: my first ultrasound after starting the medications, Jeff’s pre-op appointment with the urologist, my blood work, this is all coming together quite nicely. 15 days until the projected egg retrieval. We are getting so close. Now is the time when so many changes to the calendar can happen. As things get closer and the ultrasounds and blood work determine actual dates versus projected dates. I am so excited… approximately 15 days until I conceive my next baby. 15 days and I am a mommy again – of a “test tube” baby. Me, who conceived via phone sex the first time around! I am so ready to do this all over again. It brings tears to my eyes right now just knowing that we will be blessed with another opportunity to raise a child and all the miraculous joys that brings to our lives. I am so in love with this future child, the egg being developed right now inside my body. To experience this entire process from the very beginning, from the inception of the idea. Amazing. I can’t wait to hear what the urologist says and order the sperm, also happening this week.