Jackson turns 6 months old in Puerto Rico

I added a few assorted photos from our amazing trip... which to most outsiders would look like total fun all the time! Of course, those who know us well, know that we take a trip every year on the anniversary of Jacque's death... we now refer to these "vacations" as our Angel Week or Angel Trip. What does show in the pictures is how happy we are as a family... we have overcome such huge obstacles of grief and disappointment to still be this happy... if not happier than ever. The above photo is of our complete traveling group this year: Jeff, Jen, Jake, Jackson, and Jake's amazing girlfriend, Hannah. We took this at the little 2-star "diner" that we had Paella at - oh my was that the best ever!!! So good, in fact, we had to go back a second time to do it again...

Jake and Hannah had an awesome vacation. They got to spend a lot of time together bonding and even during the trip exchanged "promise" rings... what a great memory to have together. They were also huge troopers in traveling with Jackson... who started cutting his second tooth near the end of the trip and stopped sleeping... we stayed at a 5 star resort with all the bells and whistles, but the full size beds left little to be desired... but when you travel with the family... you need as many beds you can get... Jackson's pack and play sleeper looked way more comfortable and I wont deny that it crossed my mind to crawl in there and leave Jeff the entire full size bed... which didn't leave a lot of room for me once Jeff was actually in it... or hanging over it, or whatever. Laughing... They also gave Jeff and I a bit of time to ourselves... we didn't ask for a lot from them, ever mindful of the torture my parents put me through in ALWAYS being responsible for my younger brother and never having a life of my own... we didn't do that to the kids. They gave us a morning to go souvenir shopping in old San Juan alone and one night after Jackson went ni-night, Jeff and I headed to the casino so he could lose all my winnings... (I am just saying... that is the reality of what happened as I kicked total but at BlackJack and Jeff $10 me to death!!!!)... ahhh, memories.

So, Jackson has been more places in his 6 months than most people travel in a life time. He is so blessed and such a blessing... a very good baby overall. He body surfed the Atlantic ocean and played in the sand while his Mama and Daddy parasailed... YES, I parasailed... and it wasn't until I was near the top of that 600 foot rope that I actually thought and shared with Jeff, we rode tandem: "what are we thinking, we have an infant to raise..." A little bit of anxiety, a couple of deep breaths and a very pleasant ride... I would do it again... just to see the migrating sea turtles below us and feel the ocean breeze. A definite top ten in my world. We also managed to hike the El Yungue rain forest/National park with Jackson to the La Mina water falls... what a beautiful experience. Really, just amazing. There was so much beauty in Puerto Rico. The people, the food, all a wonderful experience. I would highly recommend it to be added to the places to go in your lifetime.

Of course, the trip wasn't perfect. There were moments of bittersweet joy, there were times of sadness, and for my in the afternoon on Jacque's Angel Day... well, I had a meltdown. This time not stricken with overwhelming grief that kept me in bed, but more like someone turned on the switch and I was pissed off... couldn't define it or put my finger on it until later, but I was mad... at everyone and everything. It wasn't until much later, after some crying, some more anger, and some very badly deserved apologies from me to everyone in our group, that I realized what it was... DUH, how did I miss that one? It doesn't get easier with time and it doesn't feel right without her. We choose to "escape" by going out of town every year. A conscious decision to avoid phone calls and letters and well wishers. Its our grief and we want to celebrate Jacque's life our way, without the outside intrusions of well meaning family and friends. Sound harsh? I assure you its not... its for every one's benefit.

There was this father who lost his son that went to our Compassionate Friends support group meetings (back when we used to go)... and he told a story about losing his son and compared the loss to losing his dominant arm. I am sure the details are a bit sketchy, but it goes something like this:

When you lose your child, its like having your arm brutally ripped from your torso/body. Its hemorrhaging, the nerves are exposed, the muscles are torn and aching, and the skin is irreparable. In time, this exposed, graphic wound will heal... it will become a scar... a large scar. You may experience phantom pains, from the middle of no where for no reason that cannot be soothed... the bleeding will stop and it will scab over, but that pain will come at the most unexpected times. But the worse part about it, is you will ALWAYS know that your arm (your child) isn't there with you. No matter where you go and no matter what you do... its missing, a part of you will be noticeably absent. New friends wont know you any other way and the old ones will remember what you were like before your crippling disability. But your life will never be the same and you will have to learn all new ways to function without the most obvious thing in your life.

Jeff and I were told this just a month or so after Jacque died and it stuck with me... and it stays in my mind always because it is true. I always notice when she isn't there with me - and she should be. I know she is with us "in spirit," but it in not the same. I feel her visit from time to time and I know she flutters in and out of my life like all the winged creatures that remind me of her... but she isn't here and that hurts, even beyond the pain of the missing arm. We are blessed and I have a great life... two wonderful sons and a husband I love... future daughters-in-law to look forward to. We have awesome family support from the Endresen's and really I shouldn't ask for more... life is a journey and I am blessed in mine. But there are times... and I will just leave it at that.