Counting down the days...

Well another day gone by...it's getting closer to the big day!! It's hard to believe that I could be any more excited than I already am, but the closer it gets, the more excited I get! I feel so sorry for my friends...this is all I talk about these days...haha. I'm sure they are thinking "yes we know...shut up already". No I'm just kidding, they are just as excited. I am so greatful to have an amazing family and wonderful friends in my life. I'm trying to convince Mandy that she needs to help give me my shots...I'm not sure she's too excited about that, but hey what are friends for, right? Like Jen said I start my first shot on Sunday! I'm really curious as to how these hormones will affect me. You know, when it's that time of the month I don't get bitchy, I just get a little emotional. So I'm wondering if it will be the same...just a little more intensified...or if I will be psychotic. Everyone, just get ready...haha!! If I get psychotic or super emotional...I just want to apologize now!! I've been looking at maternity clothes a little bit...I'm so excited to start shopping. I'm gonna be one cute baby mama...haha!! Till next time...

hormone stability

It must be the calm before the storm, but the hormones have leveled out a bit... Thank Goodness for that. I didn't pick out the carpet, yet. This appears to be a big task. But, a new motivation should come next week. I will gladly welcome it. The excitement grows in this family as we plan and move forward. I have reviewed the calendars of Jaime and I - she starts her injections on April 6 and I follow a week later... on April 13... we are moving forward and it is such a great thing. Glad for some hormonal peace... only a couple more weeks until I am allowed to have my cycle and get to stop the BCP - of course, who knows what the other medications will do to me... looking at my pile makes me fear that if each med has the side effect of gaining 5#, I could easily need gastric bypass before Jaime gives birth! LOL! Anyway, off and running to another week of work... xoxo

lots more to do

ok, today we have to go choose the carpet for the bedrooms. I know what I want and Jeff agrees but picking the right color may be challenging. We also have to go purchase the closet organizers for the nursery closet and make it so they are able to grow with the baby into childhood and teendom (i like that new word). Also, the interior designer is coming over today to help us with ideas for the kitchen and family room... what to do with all that 20 year old maple paneling?

Jeff is home from OK for a three day weekend. He has some really important appointments on Monday afternoon - please pray for him and the successful outcome of those two very important meetings. We would love for him to be in Houston all the time. The last year in OK has been successful, but he wants to get home for good. He has a long list of "honey do's" today and I need to get organized.

Jake found out last night he is moving into the "pool house" as soon as Joseph moves out and we clean it up. He seemed excited and asked for a fridge - I reminded him there was already a fridge out there and this will be his studio for the summer - some independence before leaving for school. I think this will be so fun for him to have his "own place" and right in my own backyard. If you plan on coming to TX for his graduation, you will likely get to see his simmer place. He is too excited, if that is what you call it! LOL!

More to come... as always! XOXO

nursery painting

Cheri has done such a great job painting the nursery. We used this newer low VOC paint from home depot, "Fresh Air." The color is 'radiant sun,' a soft, creamy pale yellow. More cream than yllow at the store, a little more yellow than cream at home. So me... It looks so great with bright white trim, which Cheri is finishing up in this photo today. How lucky am I to have such great friends that will volunteer their time to come to my house and labor to make things wonderful for me.

#1 - No one paints as great as Cheri does... I mean no one. She always takes her time, has such an eye for detail, and truly has a passion for this. Even though she has a latex allergy, which makes her swell and break out in hives every time she paints - she should have her gloves on, but NO! She forgot them.... she will be in the benadryl tonight for sure. Cheri and I have known each other since high school and she has always been very close to me heart. We have been through so any ups and downs together... I am so very, very blessed to have her in my life - and not just because she is a fantastic and dedicated painter, but more because she is such a loving and kind spirit. She brings the warmth I need to this project and has refused to let me pay her, which I totally want to do... but, she wants to do this for me and our future baby.... we were even talking about the bedding and she is volunteering to do some sewing in this department.... so maybe we will have custom bedding.... who knows! Anyway, she is such a great friend, I am touched by this physical showing of love and dedication. I would have never expected this act of kindness, I really thought I would be painting after work and on the weekends to get this done. Now, with all her hard work, Jeff and I are going to be able to carpet shop tomorrow instead of paint. And now that we are started, Jake's room is getting painted next. The same color and the same trim color - he is color blind anyway, do you think he will notice the hit of yellow? LOL! Besides, he is moving out this summer and going to college. I think a 17 year old guy should be comfortable enough with himself to have a yellow room his senior year, don't you? LOL! Sending out great big hugs and thanks to my dear Cheri for doing this for me (us)... blessed is an understatement. XOXO

Meds...OH MY!!!

Can I just say....CRAP, that's a lot of drugs!! I have not seen them up close and personal yet, but...oh, I will be!! Just the thought of getting a shot everyday makes me cringe. To think that swallowing pills used to be hard for me...this shall be interesting! It's hard to believe this all starts a week from sunday...for me that is...I'm curious to see how much of it is actually mine. Jen gets all the good stuff...haha!!

Sponsors and God Parents

As most of you know, Jeff & I have belonged to the First United Methodist Church in Katy for several years... we attended for a while before that magical and mystical force of the Holy Spirit prompted us to join this wonderful and supportive congregation. We love being a part of the church family and in that awesome building we have celebrated joining with both our children, celebrated the life of our daughter with a wake and a funeral service, and we have cried and knelt at the alter searching for relief from the pain of grief. We have laughed and cried and had so many joys... we are so blessed and so grateful to have Christ in our lives and to have God, His son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost brought even more alive by such a kind and caring clergy. We always feel the love they present and we know how blessed we are to be a part of this awesome, living church. Thanks to Marlin, Lani, and Pam for bringing this gift to use.

In stating our dedication o Christ, we feel it important an valuable to assign sponsors or God Parents to our future child. W have chosen Bud and Shelley Hannes to spiritually guide our child into the future and they have agreed to take on the role. So, when we baptize this child, Bud and Shelley have agreed to stand witness and provide testimony to their commitment to our baby that they will help guide them in the ways of the Lord.

Bud and Shelley have been the so loving and supportive during our grief journey. W were given a wonderful opportunity to enter the lives of the Hannes family. Jeff and I cannot think of two more dedicated, loving, committed friends that have God in their lives to take on this role. Neither Jeff nor I were raised with God parents,but we have had many friends and watched as they have been blessed with this extended familial role. We know we want that for our child, that you can never have too many people in a child's life to help them grow and become the wonderful adults that we plan for them to be. And what a blessing for the Hannes' to have a front row seat with rights to advice... LOL. Isn't that what we all want, free reign to give advice????

Anyway, Shelley is a wonderful woman, I admire so many things about her. She is dedicated to each task [placed before her and always exceeds expectations. She has been there for me, day and night, even taking off work to be by my side during the toughest grief days... she loved my daughter like a mother and was able to support me while also caring for her own heart and that of her son, Nick. I often laugh when I refer to her as my BFF (inside joke),bu really I couldn't ask for a better friend. She is conservative, her life is dedicated to the Lord, she is often the voice of reason, and has the ability to think through each situation presented to he. In so many ways, she is a stronger and better person than I am and I truly admire her, which is how she was chosen.

Jeff was given that task of choosing the Godfather... so we discussed Bud at length. During the coarse of our grief, we were blessed to get to know all sides of Bud. He is a strong man and excellent role model. His sons have been raised well. But, beyond all that seen to the outside, there is a soul that has touched us beyond words. His friendship is deep and sincere, he is so compassionate and loving, and he was able to comfort our souls in ways we cannot describe. He is everything e admire in a man: dedicated, caring, strong, respectful, honest, communicative, and most o all tender hearted with a strong commitment to family and friends. Our child will be lucky to have these two a Godparents and we are pleased t announce them to the blog.

Well, today I am home with the water softener installation and helping Cheri remodel the guest room and finish the baby's room. I can't wait... this is going to be a great day... Even tough I had to take off work to be here for all the workers: the pool is looking so good in the backyard and the water softener is going to be great, too. We have so much going on! HOLY COW! and there will be more... lots more before Jake's graduation at the end of May. As alwasy... thee is more to come! XOXO

Rx Arrival

This HUGE box of medications arrived today. Jaime starts hers next week and they are pictured on the left... looks like I get the majority of the injectables - lucky me. There are a lot. A few weeks, though. ave to keep focused on the end result. Did I mention how much I HATE needles? I mean, in my line of work as a Registered Nurse, it is always better to give than receive. I just had to include this photo for you to see the packaging and the prescriptions and the folder of instructions - OMG!

There is just so much in the photo... can you believe all this to make a baby? It is amazing how medical science has brought us this far along...

I am home tonight just filled with tears and gratitude for what I have been blessed with thus far in my life. Of course, I don't disregard he trials and the extreme loss of my (too fabulous for words) daughter, Jacque. I am just so blessed. I think of my cousin Tammy, who along with her husband Eric has been trying different fertility treatments for years to finally be attempting adoption. I pray for her to be blessed with a child, as I have been blessed twice prior and about to be granted my deepest wish and desire once again, thanks to the generosity of Jeff's baby sister.

I was telling mom how I don't know that Jaime can truly understand the magnitude of the gratitude Jeff and I have for this incredible gift. I know she knows it is appreciated and that we wouldn't have it without her, but to really know what a precious and fragile gift a child is and our gratefulness,our love, our depth and strength of emotion associated with this gift. It is Remarkable. Again, lack of words - overwhelming emotion. Just another update on the journey, this process feels very cleansing and helpful... and I know that my sisters want a front row seat - AGAIN - QUIT ASKING FOR TWINS - for Jaime's sake, if nothing else... think of the birthing!!! LOL! XOXOX

emotional

just as a little side note today, much like a small side dish... i am so super emotional today - somewhat nauseated, tearful and overall icky.... and 40 days to go... I don't think birth control pills agree with me... our other medications arrived by fed ex today and jaime starts her injections next week. OMG - this is so real. In the meantime, the pool is getting refinished and converted to salt water and we are trying to install a water softener and new water heater... Cheri is finishing painting the nursery and trim work... the house is in a major unheaval. Add that to hormones and work and you can totally understand why I may feel a little icky... and my ear hurts and spring is here (along with the pollen)... I hope today goes by fast. I need my beauty rest tonight... And since I have gained those horrific pounds since the start of BCP... Shelley has promised to act as my personal trainer and help get them off - after all, I am not the one getting pregnant, I don't need to gain all that weight - that's Jaime's job. OK, enough of that for now! xoxo

baby names and more

Well, another great day starting with a hormonal headache! Did I mention how horrific birth control pills have been on me? An instant weight gain of 5# and more... my face is broken out like a prepubescent teen... and I have this horrible headache almost daily. Yet, I know it will all be worth it... Jaime and I watched the DVD from Dr. K's office the other night and all the injections we have to look forward to are overwhelming. I laughed as I get the most shots - and all Jaime has to do is carry the baby for 40 weeks and give birth - LOL!

Did I mention how absolutely excited I am to have another baby? Who would've thought that after 20 years of marriage we would be considering starting a (second) family? I used to think how awesome it would be when I was 38 and both kids were in college and Jeff and I alone... now I recognize that was silly, with as much as we love kids and love to do things with kids.... It is still so far off, but not really... it will be here before we know it. The last year and eight months has gone by in a blink (in hindsight)... so much grief work and growth... who would've known.

I am so blessed... I say that all the time, but it hits me at my core, as I am really blessed by God for the people and support I have in my life. My friends and family are exceptional and without them, I wouldn't have made it to where I am today. They have been there to hold me and clean me up - both physically and spiritually. I know that without them I wouldn't be where I am now... a healing, more complete person. I know that all those friends are excited for us and ready for some joy in our journey.

We have picked out baby names and even though most people choose not to disclose them too early, we are all over it... we have them! If it is a boy (which Jeff says he wants, even though I told him little girls can hunt and fish and drive pick up trucks, too, LOL): Jackson James. Each name has a story and the explanation for this is touching for us. Jacque wanted to name her first little boy Jackson and we honor her by choosing this "J" name, also with the name Jack buried in there, it reminds us of Jacque - cause as most of you know, we called her Jack all the time! Anyway, I digress... James is named after Jeff's dad, Jim and it is also Josh's middle name, so we get to name Jackson James after two important men in Jeff's family. And then,we will likely call him JJ, which was Jacque's pet name for Jaime, our surro-angel and baby-mama (LOL). In that one little boy name of Jackson James Endresen, we have named our potential future son after four important, valued, and respected members of our family. That is just amazing. I do mean amazing. OK, for those CRAZY, LOCO sisters who keep thinking TWINS (God willing we survive those prayers - quit it sisters!!!!) - our second boy name is Jayce Evan... Jayce has no official meaning, but Evan is Jeff's middle name and he is named for his grandparents: Mary and Cleo Evans. So, more family significance. But, since I know God would never give me twin boys, I just know it.... that will never happen and we don't have to worry.... LOl!

Onto the more important girl names (as everyone knows I prefer raising girls to raising boys... less bugs, less amphibians, less yucky stuff for sure, at least most of the time)... Jaynah Lis - Jayna has no familial significance, but Lis is french for lily, which was Jacque's favorite flower. We have had many debates over the middle name, Jeff prefers Nicole, which was what Jacque planned on naming her first daughter (after Nick Hannes, of course)... so we may end up with some combination like Jaynah Lis Nicole Endresen. Our back up name is Jillienne Nicole... If Jake had been a girl, we would have named him Jillienne - then we would've had a Jacque and a Jilli, but Jake was a boy and s the name has been dormant for almost 18 years.... As you can see by the names, we are trying to honor our beloved Jacque, as well as a few others.... we are hopeful and prayerful for the best outcomes.

As much as I love to write, I could be on this blog all day, but I have to get to work... have a great day and as you all get caught up on all the details, I will hopefully have shorter updates. Love ya! XOXO

From the Baby Mama

Ok, so now that you have all the details from Jen, all I can say is OMG!! Yesterday was such an amazing, but overwhelming day for the two of us!! We are just so beyond excited!! This is such an amazing experience for all of us!! I want to thank Jeff and Jen both for letting me bring this miracle to life and for trusting me so much to do it!! This is going to be the most amazing journey I think that I will ever take part in!! I was telling Jen yesterday, one great thing about this, is being a part of the process of pregnancy from the begining...and when I say beginning, I mean...being able to witness conception. It is so incredible! Very few people in life get to witness such an amazing thing!! I think that is all I can say right now...I'm still pretty much speechless, knowing how close we are!! Yay!!

(photo of Jaime and Jeff on Easter Sunday 2008)

March 26, 2008 from Jen

So, this journey actually began so very long ago. For those who know me, you know my love for children and God did bless me with two successful childbirths, the last of which was 18 years ago. Most people think I am totally crazy for wanting a baby now that my youngest child will be leaving for college... but I can't help it. Destiny has brought me here and God's blessings as well.

(Photo of Aunt Vicki and I on Easter Sunday 2008)

Here it is: Jeff and I had talked about adoption and other forms of bringing another child into our lives for years... and years. When Jacque was a teen, we made a decision to not add another child to our family because her love of children and desire to work in the nursery at church, babysit, and be with little ones triggered an idea that she would likely marry young and bless us with grandchildren that we would want to help her raise. Jake has no desire to have children young and right now has declared that he wants to be a physician, specializing in sports medicine, so grandbabies are a long way off... Since Jacque went to live with Jesus, Jeff and I have had many discussions regarding additions to our family. We have always had room in hearts for more of the PROFOUND JOYS that children bring, we just didn't know how this was going to happen for us since traditional childbirth is not an option: between the eclampsia with Jacque and the CVA with Jake and the additional female reproductive issues I have had added to Jeff's vasectomy just two months after Jake's birth... we had to think outside the box.

Last December, we made the official announcement that we were ready to begin the adoption process after the first of the year. We told our family and prayed that God would lead us to where He wanted us to be. Something in that journey through prayer brought Jaime to us...
She came to us saying that she wanted to be our surrogate and have a baby for us. After thinking she was totally off her rocker - and of course we promptly sent her to therapy - we began the deep discussions that would being about what we are currently involved with.

Jaime is the most remarkable young woman I know: headstrong, loving, great sense of humor, sometimes shy, and the giggliest little sister we know. She is Jeff's younger sister by 15 years and has always been a large part of our family. She has lived with us off and on since 2002 in AZ and in TX, while attending college toward her dream of being a teacher. She is one of my best friends, someone I admire above many, many others... and she was a best friend to my daughter, too. I have always been blessed to have Jaime (and Jeff, too)... Did I mention how I trust her not only with my life, but that of my future, unborn child. I am SO BLESSED and so very grateful, there are not words to describe the depth of the emotion and gratitiude we have for our beautiful sister who is bringing us the amazing gift of life... nothing can quantify this...

Anyway, it was this blessing that somewhere in Jaime's heart she was convinced that she wanted to be our surrogate. At first, considering my age and Jeff's reproductive status, we thought we would have to use Jaime's egg and donor sperm... but after a lengthy first appointment last month with Dr. Kristiansen in Houston... we are going to use my eggs. And, there is a procedure for Jeff, too - we are going to try to aspirate some sperm from him, too... We do have to have a sperm donor backup, but for the most part - it looks like genetically this baby is going to be all Jeff and I!!!! Jaime is going to carry our miracle and whalla - a baby should be in our life!
Now that you are up to date on what has happened thus far, you have to know the greatest news of all: Jaime and I went to see Dr. K again yesterday and we got our calendars from the IVF coordinator. The drugs (Rx) have been ordered and will arrive tomorrow. We are both currently on birth control, but Jaime starts her fertility medications, to prepare her uterus for pregnancy, next week. Our tentative dates are May 7, 2008 for the egg retrieval (for me) and the sperm retrieval (for Jeff) and on top of that being out "official" conception date, that is also our 20th Wedding Anniversary. Then, the embryo transfer (of two little fertilized eggs) for Jaime should be 3-5 days later.... if all goes well with this IVF attempt, we have a possible due date of January 28, 2009.... is this not the LONGEST pregnancy on record? LOL!

All these details have wiped me out and so I have to run now, but more to come.... stay posted for updates! XOXOX