April 17, 2008

Well, here I am sitting on a flight to California to surprise my sister-in-law, Kellie (who I lovingly refer to as my sistah or seester); it’s her 40th birthday. I have been planning for months now to pull off the ultimate surprise with her friend Sandy: a birthday bash of friends and family to honor her and her advancing age… I get to laugh at that because I am younger. LOL! Jaime is with me and we booked these tickets long ago, like February. Who knew we would be carrying with us Lupron injections and sharps containers, preparing for our IVF and anticipated pregnancy in May. Less than a month away now, we are getting so excited. The emotions are something else, too!
Yesterday and even this morning I was so sad. And while I am aware that the Lupron is making me more emotional, there are definitely some things that need changing and adjusting in my life. One is my job. I can’t even believe that I am facing another potential change. I actually think, since Jacque died, I have lost my desire to be a nurse. Wearing that “cap” (and not in the literal way, no one wears nursing caps anymore), I have to be ready to assist patients and their families with anything that comes along and I am finding that responsibility to be to awesome at times. I rediscovered that when one of my patients died this week. Number one, I was so not emotionally ready for that even without extra female hormone levels. And number two, I absolutely fell apart afterwards and could not recover. Here I am days later still agonizing over the loss of a beautiful elderly woman, one who had 8 children with her husband and 26 grand-children and countless great-grandchildren per her own admittance. That is a full and blessed life and yet the loss impacts me in a way I cannot describe. (For my brother-in-law Scott who is so right when he says that I do use that indescribable term often and then go about describing the very thing I said was indescribable in the first place – LOL!) This I will leave with indescribable.
So, with that sadness and the overwhelming negativity I get from some of the team members I work with. They are an interesting and dysfunctional group, fearful of change and unwilling to be open-minded. Sad for them, as healthcare is an always changing field, dynamic in its processes. I feel sad for them that they weren’t open to really getting to know me and as much as I wish I could directly say all the tension is completely in their realm of responsibility, that wouldn’t be fair. I am become more and more insecure as I have stayed working with them… and those who know me know that isn’t me. I am outgoing, fun, filled with laughter, a perfectionist (sometimes to fault), an organizer, a leader, and someone people most usually want to be around. With all this negativity and gossip, rumors, lies, deceit, and back-stabbing… well, it is affecting me greatly in the worse ways. I have lost trust in people and I am discovering that when you surround yourself with negative people, you become more negative and doubtful of the positive things in life. My original plans included staying here, at least until the baby and then maybe considering changing to a regular nursing position and hanging up my manager’s hat for a while. Now, I am rethinking the whole thing and considering walking away from my financial security to save my heart and soul. Why is it trials seem to come at a person all at once, like the perfect storm? I am at a crossroads, that is for sure!
Thank God for Richard this morning. All the stress from work this week kept me up past 4 in the morning. I was an anxious, overstressed, worried mess by morning. I fell asleep sometime around 5 am, after calling off sick from work and talking to Jeff on his way to the airport. We are so blessed he was able to have a business trip to CA coincide with Kellie’s birthday party dates, so we get to be together and meet in CA tonight. I digress, sorry. Cheri woke me around 8 and I was immediately calling Richard for an appointment. He is the most awesome counselor and I have had him since a few weeks after Jacque’s tragic death. He brings my life some order and sense and keeps me in reality. I love that he sacrificed his oatmeal breakfast and morning to meet me in his office to review and discuss my anxiety… which, by the way, hasn’t been this bad in well over a year. I had gotten some good semblance of perceived control over my life and my anxiety was being well controlled as well… well, until my job took a turn for the more complicated. I am so lucky and blessed he was there to talk me through the remaining internal storm and conflict. No one should be this stressed out about work and these people! UGH!
Then, there is the totally positive stuff tonight – Jaime and I are together… headed west. We are so excited on many levels: to see family, to surprise Kellie (be assured there will be tears, we are a crying group), Miguel’s Jr., Del Taco, family, friends, family, and lots of laughter when we all get together. We are ready for that. Plus, Jaime and I really get a lot of bonding time lately and that is really good for us and our relationship. I have always loved spending time with her and this is making it even more special: giving each other shots of Lupron, laughing together, crying together, sometimes all at the same time… being silly and people watching. For Heaven’s sake, we are just having a blast and a half and we are still on the (very late and behind schedule) flight.
SO, here we are – me typing my blog that I can’t post until after Kellie’ surprise party – duh, because I know she will read it and the surprise will be blown. And Jaime, plucking her eyebrows, participating in the beautification process. We are a sight, for sure. We look like we are living in our emergency exit row of 12 B and C. The flight is full, mostly stinky men. We have talked about mom and talked about Alysha and going to church and how some things are going to likely be changing for us very quickly.
All the carpet was installed in the bedrooms today – thanks to Cheri being able to babysit the installation process. We have baseboards in and new ceiling fans, I just have to do doorknobs and caulking next week. The baby’s room is ready for furniture. Of course, the only thing that will be in there until half way through the pregnancy is the twin bed we used to have in the upstairs guest room at the other house. The guest room will be ready though. Jake’s graduation is swiftly approaching and Scott and Robyn will be staying with us. We are so very excited about this. We will have our first guests after four major room remodels – we completed the office last year. I only wish the bathrooms would be done, but everything in its time. Patience is a true virtue and I plan to get that into my head and function like I have some. LOL!
My room is now more serene and redecorated with things we already had and a few new touches. I can’t praise Cheri enough for being the tool belt Diva in my life! She has made so much of this totally possible. What a blessing to have someone help with handy work, especially with Jeff working in Oklahoma and living in Mom and Dad’s trailer. What a sight, my Jeff honey living in a trailer park in Bartlesville, OK. Oh, how the times they have changed and come full circle. While Jake and I have a pool, a house with neighbors and friends, family support nearby… I am so bummed for him. He definitely needs prayers to find the right job opportunity to bring him home to Houston, his wife, his house, his son, and his future baby.
Well, enough is enough for tonight. I will be writing a little more each day and posting all at once on Sunday, after the surprise party. The next thing I am most excited about: hugging my beloved Jeff-Honey when I land in Ontario, CA… then, Miguel’s Junior for sure – there is a bean, cheese and potato burrito with my name all over it! Then, a warm comfy bed at Josh and Jessica’s new home… I am so ready for bed. So very ready for a good night’s sleep, after last night’s futile attempts, I know I will be sleeping so great with Jeff snuggled up to me, in my jammies, and waiting for more excitement.